August 7th 2004 I lost someone very important from my life. I was 14 years old when I lost my dad. I had no clue how to process my grief. I had no idea how to talk about what I was feeling. I took to writing my feelings down when it became too much in my head. I wrote my thoughts, my memories, my emotions, my nightmares.

I am 31 years old. My dad has been gone 17 years, longer than the 14 years he was in my life. I still come across some writing I did in those dark days. Some I have shared in the past and some I chose not to. This one is long, I have never shared it before. I am not a writer. It’s raw, its real, it’s coming from a teenage mind.

I was on my knees begging, “please, no. It’s not true. Don’t take him from me” I cried. Deep sobs release my body. Heart tearing apart as I digest the news. I lost the only love I ever knew. A father’s love.

Days blurred together as we tried to carry on. My heart beat erratically, Waking up wondering if today he would come home. Maybe the work bus would drop him off and I’d see him again. Hoping I could hug him again, and feel his warm embrace surround me. Desperately seeking that comfort I once had. A lost soul inside my body, not knowing where to go from here.

Each day to follow was a challenge. We were moving around the world like robots waiting for our next command. Accepting condolences and flowers while trying not to crumble to the ground once more. Greeting visitors and plates of food from people who are equally at loss for words. Surviving. The only word that can describe those days, those weeks.

We survived what felt like eternity without him. Expecting the ache in my heart to fade, but I settled for brighter moments and distractions. Breakdowns came, and went. I welcomed them as the only thing I knew what to do at the time. I let my body break, my mind crumble into thoughts like “why couldn’t he take me with him” and “how will I live on without him”. My 14 year old mind trying to grasp reality amongst the chaos floating around.

Time traveled quickly and yet my heart still felt the same. Achey and cold, empty and unsure how to proceed. People around me moved on, lives moved on. Everyone had places to be, people to see, families to love. And yet here I was, I felt like I was still in shambles. Scrambling to pick up piece by piece of my life. It only got worse though as time passes. Lives change in all sorts of ways. No one understands your grief or your pain. No one understands the lingering torture that sits inside, wondering why?

Love was still around me, but it was a different kind. It was in different ways. Trying to establish myself amongst the rest of the world was a struggle. Who was I anyways? Who was I meant to be? Life seemed so much more simple before tragedy. Nothing like this had ever happened to me. I felt like I was taught a tough lesson, but what was I to take from it? I built up my walls and attempted to carry on. Young and vulnerable on the inside but I tried not to let it show. Searching for my purpose, where I’m supposed to be or where I’m supposed to go. I felt like life wasn’t meant to be complete without him.

Years pass on as people seemingly forget. They forget you’re constantly fighting inside. Fighting that pain in your heart. Fighting those tears in your eyes. To them I moved on, but to me I was still waiting for “time to heal”. How do I express how I feel if I’m all alone? I internalize and process this grief over and over. I made myself cope for years. Year Years pass on as people seemingly forget. They forget you’re constantly fighting inside. Fighting that pain in your heart. Fighting those tears in your eyes. To them I moved on, but to me I was still waiting for “time to heal”. How do I express how I feel if I’m all alone? I internalize and process this grief over and over. I made myself cope for years. Year after year I’ve been coping. I have been dealing with emotions and heartache. I have found ways to process the grief that never fully leaves you. Still broken inside, I took a step forward. year I’ve been coping. I have been dealing with emotions and heartache. I haven’t found ways to process the grief that never fully leaves you. Still broken inside, I took a step forward.